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visited *loading* times
"And ev'ry stranger's face I see
Reminds me that I long to be,
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me."
-simon and garfunkel
no talking? no problem. when we stop for the night, we are too weary to talk. part of our training, i guess, is physical discipline. i will be on par with the wild rabbits soon...although, i will be toned and honed for distances. that will be odd. most rabbits don't travel much...we are sprinters, wild leapers, confusers, hide in the grass-ers. g-pigs are the same, basically (except they waddle!). we don't stray far from our roots. i feel the pain sometimes of my roots stretching over miles and miles...i'm uprooted, almost. my dreams, my memories, my home, are all so far away. it's the constant aching of a psychic tug. oh home. i wonder, if space travel becomes common place, will people ache like i do? the phantom limb of home demands attention. something about our birthplace calls us home.
bunny who hops after alien, well, alien to bunny, guinea pigs (native to this land)...all of us silent, our words trapped inside us like kibble stuck in our throats. silly me. there's no kibble here - just grass as far as my eyes can see. we rustle, and jingle, and huff (some of us are not accustomed to physical exertion). my rabbit eyes see far. my rabbit ears catch every sound. these g-pigs have such long proboscides (who you callin' big nose?) i wonder that they can see around them. their world view fits in what it can around mountains of nose. cute noses, bristly noses, but enormous. mine just goes for minutes, hours, days. twitch twitch...
and that's how i found myself trudging off with a group of silly sweet-on-life young g-pigs, all male, headed to some remote province. there was some giggling as they assembled around me. some curious sniffs directed toward me. i noticed, but remained somewhat reserved and aloof. our guide and teacher was an ascetic whose first announcement was to inform us that there would be no talking...the g-pigs all clammed up immediately. i was a bit baffled, but decided it was a good time to get my thoughts together.
my bad feeling only increased when bluestem asked to see us individually. pyong said, "you go first, powder," and pushed me forward with her nose. so, with a puzzled backward glance at pyong, i followed bluestem into a private chamber.
"so tell me powder, what is it you'd like to learn first?"
"i've given it some thought...and i would like to study your philosophy and religion. i really want to know more about how your people think."
bluestem nodded, accepting my choice. "that is good, powder. we have several schools of thought/religion on cavvy. no doubt you will want to study them all. however, there is a group of young cavvy initiates heading west on the morrow. i will send you with them. you will learn as they learn - and they learn on the go. you will be travelling to the far side of the planet with these cavvies. when you reach your destination, you may choose either to stay among them or to return to us here. does that suit you?"
pyong...pyong!!! can you hear me? did you hear what she just said?
shhh powder, i'm listening to your thoughts...ok. what's wrong?
pyong, i think we're making a mistake here...why did you make me go first? i think we should have decided together!
no, powder. we can't choose the same thing. and i can't tell you what i'm choosing.
are you crazy? then it hit me. they were going to separate us. again. that would be the easiest way to control us, because they knew that neither of us would leave without the other. they knew that much about pyong and i. and pyong knew it too, saw it before i even had an inkling.
pyong must have sensed the betrayal i fought to keep under control. no powder, no. don't hate them. don't hate me...i promise we will make it out of here together.
promise? ha. well, you're bloody well leaving me out of it now! i shut my mind to her and cleared my throat to answer bluestem. "yes, that will suit me fine. she smiled and dismissed me with a gesture. i passed pyong on my way out - a g-pig was already there, ready to take me to meet my group. "wait," i told him, and he nodded.
pyong and bluestem came out together after a short time. and bluestem said, "you may make your farewells to one another...for it may be some time before you meet again." the g-pigs waited for us to say goodbye.
i was quiet, so pyong went first, "goodbye, powder. may you find what you seek. i will think of you often." powder, please! don't be angry! i'm sorry...but i have to do this. they would know! they would stop us if we went together.
i looked at her then, crazy, goofy, reckless pyong pyong... she was our only hope of getting off this planet. and she wasn't going to let me help one bit. oh hell.
after all of our discussions...pyong won't tell me what she's decided to do. she has a very low opinion of my ability to keep things to myself and is sure i'll go off on some rant about our situation, out loud, which will cue the g-pigs in on our plans. and maybe she is right. my feelings are a bit hurt that she won't confide in me. i also have a very bad feeling about what's going to happen.
the hitch in our get along...
so we went ahead and thought about what we'd like to do. we spent several days thinking about it before we were supposed to meet with bluestem again. in that time we also had meetings with some of the researchers in the attackrabbits research group, several outings with black beans, and attended a concert given by a group of young cavvy singers. it was busy, and i think, purposely so. the g-pigs don't want us to think deep broody bunny thoughts about what we want to do. they want us to pick something so that they can get us out of their hair (for awhile), and so that we have something to keep us busy and preoccupied. a busy bunny is a good bunny. they say that on earth, too. there are actually toys that you can buy for your pet rabbits called "the busy bunny" which include baskets and hay and other chewables, so your bunny can sit cozily and munch to his/her heart's content. essentially we are to be handed baskets of our own - preferably offering more than oral fixation.
because the g-pigs want us to learn to live on cavvy (i think the learn to love it too, is also implied), we are going to be joining a sort of group/community of young g-pigs who all work, study, and live together. g-pigs are very social. we had seen it already in our first hand experience with black beans and his crew - all other "beans," that same group camaraderie. that's what happens, i guess, when the g-pigs find their calling - they embrace it whole-heartedly and form a close-knit group. they still, of course, appreciate the larger community. big families are common on cavvy.
as bunnies, we can appreciate this sort of thing. pyong-pyong and i are both "fixed," tho, so we can't expect to have any wee ones of our own. and that's ok. i am sure the g-pigs could have offered to reverse our surgeries, or suggest some other g-pig technology to aid us in having a brood of our own. but i think, if we're all honest, no one wants us to create more problem children...once we are gone, their debt will be paid. i don't know that anyone will think of us, or remember us, or know that we were special. maybe the scientists will continue to study our genes, and the forces that warped them. maybe that sort of technology will be a tremendous lure and terrible temptation to later generations of g-pigs. but, will anyone ever truly KNOW us? will anyone LOVE us? will we always be on the outside?
not according to bluestem. and not that we have voiced these concerns to her. she is eager to introduce us to the g-pigs who will be our new family and friends. we have a couple of weeks to think about what we want to study here on cavvy. this decision, once reached, is not immutable. but naturally, we need some sort of starting place to begin this new life. pyong is keeping all of her thoughts to herself for the time being. i am using her silence to work on some thoughts of my own. primarily, "what do i want to be when i grow up?"
"pyong, i can't stay here!"
"i don't want to stay either, powder..." but don't worry. we won't have to stay.
"what can we do? the g-pigs will never relent." what are you thinking, pyong? how can we leave?
"i think we should stay put." for now, anyway. we have to learn more about this planet's security...and most importantly, the space port.
"i guess...i guess you're right. i miss our person." do you think that information is publically available? do you think WE will be able to access it?
"i miss her too." i don't know what we will be able to access. so, we'll have to maintain this facade of being disappointed and upset until we know more. they can't suspect that we've got a backup plan.
"so, are we to be your...prisoners?" i asked.
bluestem looked aghast, "oh! oh no, not prisoners. no never that."
pyong stepped forward, "but we can't leave...we have to stay here. you have to know that we aren't happy about this. someone's going to be watching us, right? how does that make us NOT prisoners exactly?"
blushing furiously, bluestem tried again, "you aren't prisoners. i know this is difficult, but you will eventually come to accept the wisdom of this decision. and, you will make lives for yourself here. we aren't preventing you from doing that. in fact, we'll be helping you. most of our citizens have had the benefits of education and training in whatever skills they possess or interests they have. you will be offered these opportunities. you can't say that you would have the same opportunities on earth. it is true that you will be monitored for awhile. we want to make sure that you are adjusting well, and that g-pigs are available to answer your questions, provide you with assistance. please don't be angry."
she must have realized how silly that sounded, "please don't be angry." how else could we feel?
"i'm...i'm sorry. you have every right to be angry. please consider what i've said, though. please...think about it." she and black beans put their heads together and had a quiet conversation. pyong and i made our own separate huddle over by a window.
the grand unveiling took place in the most common of locations - a "pigloo."
urban sprawl here on cavvy is epitomized by the pigloo, a modular structure that blends in with grass and rock and earth. they give shelter from the storm, provide convenient meeting places and community centers, and can be used for storage - among other things. they are like and unlike picnic shelters on earth...pseudo-permanent, open to air on one side, utilized on some unwritten unfathomable schedule that has its own particular rhyme and reason. i haven't been able to figure it out exactly. the pigloo seems to me only slightly less magical than a room of requirement.
it was a small group for such a momentous occasion. pyong, myself, black beans, and the representative. for all i know there were g-pigs stationed outside ready to apprehend any hysterical and unpredictable attackrabbits.
the delegated scientist introduced herself. "good morning, powder, pyong-pyong, black beans. i am called bluestem...and i represent the cadre of scientists who have beens studying you, rabbits. i...i have some news." she seemed very uncomfortable, fidgeting, grinding her teeth into our expectant silence.
pyong gave me a meaningful glance and i heard her voice distinctly in my head say, it's not going to be good, powder.
telepathy was new to me, but i tried to think back a coherent reply, what do you think she's going to tell us? how bad can this news be?
pyong was watching bluestem intently as she answered, hmm... i don't know. we aren't going to be executed or anything like that. i can't read her mind. i can't hear her thoughts. i wonder why that is?
when did you figure out you could do this, pyong?
back on the ship. it's how i found you sleeping in the library. i followed your thoughts when i heard them and realized that they weren't my own. it was easier than asking someone where you were.
do you think it was something you could always do? i mean, not always, but since...
since we became like this? i don't know. i thought it was funny too, that our first words were spoken, when perhaps all along we could have communicated like this. but here, on cavvy, it's probably a good idea not to let on that we have this power. they...well, quite honestly, it's all wrapped up in this news we're about to hear. i don't think they'll like it.
i don't think they'll like it either. they don't know about any of our really abnormal powers yet. they just know we're smart, and we can talk.
yeah, i think that's going to be a bit too much for them anyway.
black beans sensed the speaker's hesitation and cleared his throat. bluestem visibly collected herself (and her thoughts, although we did not SEE her thoughts) and continued. "excuse me. i have been asked to read you this." a document flashed up on the wall, and we all studied it as bluestem read aloud:
"powder and pyong-pyong, rabbits from the planet earth, we bring you here today to inform you of certain things. we cavvians believe in and acknowledge your right to know why you were abducted from your home planet. it is our learned opinion, based upon the research and study of your situation that our team of interstellar g-pigs unknowingly, yet carelessly, did contaminate one field of orchard grass in your state of nebraska in the united states of america, a country on the planet earth. this grass is commonly sold across the country to pet suppliers, veterinarians, breeders, and inviduals for consumption by small herbivores, such as yourselves. before the mistake was noticed, and before it could be rectified, this grass was harvested and sold, and in two cases (yours), eaten and digested by earth creatures. the grass itself was genetically altered by our potting compound, and by eating it, you, powder and pyong-pyong, have also been genetically altered. Thus far, your phenotype, the expression of these new genes, has only been evidenced by hyperintelligence for ones of your species, and an ability to communicate through speech. while these traits are not insidious or harmful in themselves, they are considered to be dangerously unique for creatures of your kind on earth.
"your abduction was ordered by black beans," she gestured toward him, "the captain of the ship that was responsible for contaminating the grass, who felt that to leave you on earth, to your own devices, was irresponsible. his decision was based on the following considerations: first of all, there was risk to your safety and persons if humans should find out that you are special, secondly there was risk to cavvy - discovery of intelligent life on other planets, alien technology, possible exploitation of the same, and/or violence toward cavvians - and finally, there was the potential risk that you might pose to the earth itself. unfortunately," she looked down her nose at us, "human beings are not known for their gentleness and understanding. humans are the dominant intelligent life forms on your home planet, and taking into account your situation as companions to these life forms, we could only surmise that they would become your role models. and my, friends, violence breeds violence. for these reasons, black beans decided that a formal evaluation of the situation and yourselves was vital."
there was another pause and pyong shot me a quick thought, up till now she hasn't really told us anything new. i mean we know that we've been altered. the means by which the transformation came about, well obviously the g-pigs were responsible. and we could have figured out the damn grass connection - it's all around us!!!
bluestem was talking again, "the damage cannot be reversed." we exchanged blank looks, damage? bluestem noticed, "that is to say, your genetic makeup cannot be returned to its previous state."
pyong, pyong, why would they want to do that? without even asking us, asking our permission, they went ahead to see if they could just wipe us clean? what kind of creatures are these guinea pigs??
hush, powder, they can't do it. that's important, too. i'm uneasy about it, too, but let's not say anything just yet.
"so, we must all live with the consequences...in this case, that means we cannot allow you to return to earth."
in unison now, and aloud, "WHAT?!"
bluestem became flustered, "well..., i mean, it's really impossible...if you THINK about it...i'm sure you would realize that it's the only...oh...oh..."
black beans hushed her with a look. he turned to us, and from his expression, we knew that this decision was not altogther a shock to him. he was not surprised. it was not unexpected. we wrangled ourselves under control. "oh rabbits," he began, "it was a fateful night when we landed on your planet. i wish with all my heart i could reverse time, fate, whatever it would take. but it is not to be. we did this to you, and now we must all face the consequences of our mistake."
worse! most terrible! how can black beans SAY this, MEAN this? how can he think that we were better off before, as we were? dumb, stupid, confined to a dim existence? how can he know how that feels, to realize that you can finally see, that your mind can finally stretch, that it can finally perceive in a world where the clouds have lifted at last. we...i mean I, I thought you were a friend. i thought you understood. oh horror.
that's what it has come down to. after our whirlwind tour with brownberry, we were returned to our bevvy of scientists for further study and evaluation. they'd finished with the literature thus far, and we ready to test and retest and so on and so forth into tedium. i have never been less interested in myself...and i am a rather introspective, oh and sometimes narcissistic bun - as you know. and after many samples...a representative from that delegation, their elected speaker, was ready to meet with us. Black beans resurfaced for the grand unveiling/disclosure.
little bunnies - big mistake!
and apparently, being distanced from these important documents has not in turn allowed the g-pigs to distance themselves from their founding ancestors or the ideals that ground their society. g-pigs are not human, even if they are hyperintelligent. they are honest, and courteous (for the most part - some spats do break out), and non violent (no crimes of violence or murders). it seems odd to find ourselves among a species that lives so serenely.
of course, we are the proverbial fly in the ointment. not to say that g-pigs can't make mistakes, too. but as mistakes go, we are rather a big one.
we visited the cavvy hall of records - where they keep important documents (something like our Declaration of Independence and other things of that ilk). it is one of the only things that remains underground. well, there are still the old passages, tunnels, rooms, quarters, etc., but no one goes there anymore. there were very few of the g-pigs visiting their own hall of records. brownberry explained that almost no g-pigs use paper anymore - everything is recorded digitally. there are public labs and libraries and other locales aboveground (tastefully landscaped to blend into the natural surroundings), where g-pigs can access information and digital replicas of these documents. preserving them here below ground, in the places and spaces time and g-pigs have forgotten was a decision handed down by previous generations of g-pigs, who thought it was important to save the originals.
"does anyone read them anymore?" pyong piped up. "does anyone really know or care what they say?"
brownberry rocked from side to side thoughtfully. "sure, g-pigs come down here from time to time and read them. but most don't like coming underground anymore. that's a deterrent. but the documents are better housed here. then they serve a two-fold purpose - archival/historical and as a potent reminder of the past - when we DID have to live in the tunnels."
and he wasn't kidding. the grand tour did take all day, and most of that week. we saw all of the cavvian sights...and as much as i appreciate grass (i like it as much as the next herbivore), there are really only so many varieties one can keep track of. pyong was in a state of barely contained explosive energy - i kept expecting her to just zoom off across some prairie, never to be seen or heard from again.
a polite cough behind us...aha, the gpigs had sent us an emissary to lead us to the commissary. "good morning, rabbits, i am brownberry. i'm going to be taking you around today on the 'grand tour,' so to speak."
then she was quiet for a long time. we watched insects greet the day with buzzy wings and jumps; the grasses bent and twisted as they took off and landed. "i never thought about it before, powder...never really had any idea that my first family treated me badly, or that i had been close to death - and that i had narrowly escaped."
"yeah, pyong, i know. rabbits can see all around them, and *enhanced* rabbits can see more, but hindsight takes special eyes."
"do you believe in fate, powder?"
"hmm... i don't know. i sometimes like to think that i have a special purpose, or that there is some plan larger than me where everything makes sense and if i could see and understand that plan then i would know that things couldn't have happened any other way...and other times i want to be personally responsible for who i am and what i do - have my purpose, while being the author of that purpose. *i* make the decisions. what about you, pyong, do you believe you're destined to do great things."
"great things? yes. although i haven't given it that much thought...but we DO have the potential to do great things... in general, i'm not very introspective. i'm more of a do-er, and less of a think-er. maybe that's why these occasional moments i have are really, er...momentous. it seems to me, though, that your two ideas are not incompatible. there can be a plan outside of, external to you, that allows you to make your own decisions, and be responsible for your own actions. maybe that IS the plan."
"could be, pyong. but whose plan? whose plan is it?"
"does it really matter?"
"yeah...sort of. i mean, i want to know who i'm working for."
"that was really random, powder. i mean, what the heck, cat barf? i don't know where you get these things from anyway. you are probably the strangest rabbit i have ever known..."
"yeah, i know. first heidegger, now cat barf. what can i say? i'm an enigma...so, pyong, on an unrelated to cat barf note, do you remember anything from when you were adopted from the animal shelter? i was thinking about that last night before i fell asleep. wondering what you thought."
"hmm...i used to be called 'princess,' did i ever tell you that? i am the rabbit formerly known as 'princess.'" she started to laugh, then snorted. "what a name! not that pyong-pyong is any better, but i'm more a pyong-pyong than a 'princess,' don't you think? so my original people brought me into the shelter, and it was a scary place, lots of dogs barking when i arrived, and they took me out of my cage and put me in this little plastic box with air holes in it. i could barely turn around. the person at the desk who was filling out the surrender paperwork - that was what they called it when people abandoned their animals at the shelter - surrendering them. what a sad word. they brought me back through the exam room where other animals were being checked by a veterinarian to make sure they were healthy before being placed up for adoption. i was not to be so lucky. no one looked at me, not even the person carrying me back to the sleep room. i was placed in my transparent box on a metal table in the center of death row. all of the dogs and cats in this room were slated to die by the end of the day. that's what always happened...the killing room was always emptied and cleaned out by 4pm each day. i was surrendered in the morning. i sat in that box, on that table for nearly 4 hours before someone looked at me again. it was our person, powder. she knew that rabbits are grazers, and that i must have been hungry. she went outside and brought back dandelion leaves for me to fill my empty belly. it was like heaven, those fresh leaves. my former people had never brought me anything so tasty...while i was eating, our person watched me for a long time..." pyong was looking off into the distance, but i could tell she wasn't seeing the acres of grass, the rolling hills, the light coming into the sky... she held up a paw, "my nails were over an inch long - those people had never cut them for me...EVER."
went to bed on a serious note, but awoke having dreamt the strangest thing...a certain lady kathleen appeared to me (sort of like the watery tart who threw a sword at arthur - lady of the lake, and all of that) and said she had it on good authority that the universe was literally vomitted into existence by a very sick cat. uhhh.... it turns out that her authority was someone known as professor barkalot (who is completely unrelated to this barkalot). it just deteriorated from there. i mentioned it to pyong, who merely said i should avoid that odd chartreuse fruit in the future. sigh, she is probably right. i wonder what particular bits of cat barf are responsible for us?
in the gloaming. i love that phrase. pyong and i are in low grassy scrapes for the night. the sweet Cavvy breeze makes our whiskers twitch, the suns have set with lots of pomp and glory (watched the colors fade from the sky like watercolors sinking into thick paper - juicy, delicious, fading...). stars begin to peek out, we are warm, fat, content-ish. the g-pigs have left us to ourselves. this time, it's almost religious on Cavvy, a time for silence and contemplation, the last few day noises slip into night slumbers and everyone lets their minds slow, we ruminate. i reminisce...
pyong and i were both rescued from an animal shelter that did not place rabbity animals up for adoption. we were scheduled for injections, cold freeze, and the inevitable crematorium in the back room. the killing room. it's hard to believe that our person worked there for a year, in that shelter, and walked in and out of that killing room every day without...thinking about it all the time. i guess you can get used to anything. i guess...then i wouldn't have understood anyway. there would have been the brief pain of the needle as it pierced my skin, my heart beat would have soared...i would have been terrified. terrified and angry at the unwanted contact. and then, everything would have slowed, grown fuzzy...i would have died in woozy confusion. they call this "putting to sleep." this is supposed to be painless (but i think no one knows for sure what we are feeling. because we do not cry out, does that mean we do not feel something? assisted suicide for animals has always been ok). and i understand. the person understood that there are too many animals, too many pets, and not enough people to care for them all. and for domesticated pet-ty animals, this is far kinder than abandoning us into the cold cruel world, when we know nothing of it, and may not have the sense to learn. maybe it's better. who can know what *would* have happened. all we know is what did. and i think, oh. what a waste. a waste of a life, a waste of material. a waste of time. furry, loving bright-eyed creatures, born to be companions, meet their ends alone, tied up, and must embrace the needle. some die because they made one mistake - they growled at the wrong time, or unsheathed sharp claws and raked the wrong arm. and suddenly there are no further chances. no one to teach them acceptable behavior (ha!), or love. and we understand this. if rabbits ruled the world, would we exterminate other species so easily, so casually? i rested my chin on my paws. paws for thought, dear ones.
we attended a feast held in our honor. black beans stayed with us throughout, although i suspect he was anxious to get home to some sweet gpiggy love of his own. he is a pig who stands on duty, and he was going to see it through to the end - see US through to the end, rather. even though he is rather gruff, i do trust him to do right by us. he's been trying to do what's right throughout this whole affair. while we were feasting on many strange and wondrous things, the members of the crew who had spent time with us, studying and assessing attackrabbit kind, were debriefed. reports were exchanged. and the bustling busy work of science went forth unimpeded. while we rested, g-pig scientists read up on us and curiosity and wonder kindled like flames in their eyes. urgency and a desire to understand us, spread through the specialists like a brush fire.
a new world, and new things to see. and we were an anomaly, an attraction, as well. many g-pigs had never strayed from their home planet, had never heard of earth, had never seen the likes of us before. rabbitkind? what's that? that be US, fine g-pgs. the so-called experts weren't so much experts on rabbits, for no rabbits had ever graced the vast cavvian grasslands...the welcome wagon was an odd mixture - some important personages, you know, with diplomatic skills, as we were technically considered to be guests of the world - and a first contact with the earth. many were scientists, all top-notch, and their reactions to us varied widely from open and sincere warmth to obvious scrutiny. when the microbiologist was introduced to us, i could almost feel his eyes penetrate to my cellular level. these scientists were eager to move past the formalities and were ready to begin our dissection. gulp. thank goodness that was to be as painless and noninvasive as possible. human technology would do well to emulate the g-pigs in this manner - can you imagine? earth's first contact, assuming it hasn't alreay been a bungled debacle involving the annihilation of our alien visitors, may be a messy exchange of cadavers. settle for tissue samples, oh humans, and diagrams. you needn't carve every intelligent life form like the thanksgiving turkey/tofurkey.
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